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When I vowed to myself that Albertine would be back in the house before night, I had proceeded in hot haste to cover with a fresh belief the open wound from fiche personnage dark heresy I had torn the belief that had been my mainstay until then. However, it was essential that she should return, but of her own accord.

Upon every hypothesis, to appear to be taking the first step, to be begging her to return would be to defeat my own object.


Fiche personnage dark heresy be sure, I had not the strength to give her up as I had given up Gilberte.

Even more than to see Albertine again, what I wished was to put an end to the physical anguish which my heart, less stout than of old, could endure no longer.

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Then, by dint of accustoming myself to not wishing anything, whether it was a question of work or of anything else, I had become more cowardly. But above all, this anguish was incomparably keener for several reasons, the most important of which was perhaps not that I had never tasted any sensual pleasure with Mme.

I knew therefore that this other solution might be accepted also and by the same man, for I had remained more or less the same. Only time had played its part, time which had made me older, time which moreover had kept Albertine perpetually in my fiche personnage dark heresy while we were living together.

But I must add that, without my giving up the idea of that life, there survived in me of all that I had felt about Gilberte the pride which made me refuse to be to Albertine a repellent plaything by insisting upon her return; I wished her to come back without my appearing to attach any importance to her return.

I got out of bed, so as to lose no more time, but was arrested by my anguish; this was the first time that I had got out of bed since Albertine had left me.

Yet I must dress myself at once fiche personnage dark heresy order to go and make inquiries of her porter. Suffering, the prolongation of a spiritual shock that has come from without, keeps on endeavouring to change its form; we hope to be able to dispel it by making plans, by seeking information; we wish it to pass through its countless metamorphoses, this requires less courage than retaining our suffering intact; the bed appears so narrow, hard and cold on which we lie down with our grief.

But even without looking at them I could see them, my strength left me, I sank down upon one of those blue satin armchairs, the glossy surface of which an hour earlier, in the dimness of my bedroom anaesthetised by a ray of morning light, had made me dream dreams which then I had passionately caressed, which were so far from me now.

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Alas, I had never sat down upon any of them until this minute save when Albertine was still with me. Then all of a sudden I recalled that, during the last week, Fiche personnage dark heresy had from time to time been seized by panic fears which I had not confessed to myself.

At such moments, however, I had debated the question, saying to myself: People separate for a reason. They tell you their reason. They give you a chance to reply.

They do not run away like that. No, it is perfectly childish. It is the only hypothesis that is absurd. My worst fear was that she might be remaining in Paris, or have gone to Amsterdam or to Montjouvain, in other words that she had escaped in order to involve herself in some intrigue the preliminaries of which I had failed to observe.

But in reality when I said to myself Paris, Amsterdam, Montjouvain, that is to say various names of places, I was thinking of places which were merely potential. It was this unknown element that formed the core of my love. She seemed pleased by my suggestion. And I asked her to go away, giving her first a five-hundred franc note.

And yet, a moment later, the thought of having some other little girl in the house with me, fiche personnage dark heresy never being alone, without the comfort of an innocent presence, was the only thing that enabled me to endure the idea that Albertine might perhaps remain away for some time before returning.

As for Albertine herself, she barely existed in me save under the form of her name, which, but for certain rare moments of respite when I awoke, came and engraved itself upon my brain and continued incessantly to do so.

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If I had thought aloud, I should have kept on repeating it, and my speech would have been as monotonous, as limited as if I had been transformed into a bird, a bird like that in the fable whose song repeated incessantly the name of her whom, when a man, it had loved.

We say the name to ourselves, and as we remain silent it seems as though we inscribed it on ourselves, as though it left its trace on our brain which must end by being, like a wall upon which somebody has amused himself by scribbling, entirely covered with the name, written a thousand times over, of her whom we love.

We repeat fiche personnage dark heresy all the time in our mind, even when we are happy, all the more when we are unhappy. And to repeat this name, which gives us fiche personnage dark heresy in addition to what we already know, we feel an incessantly renewed desire, but, in the course of time, it wearies us.

Perhaps there is something symbolical and true in the minute place occupied in our anxiety by the person who is its cause.